Friday, May 13, 2005

An open letter

A little advice to the remaining American Idol contestants, as they prepare for the final two episodes:

If I were you, I would have tried to avoid packing on the "Diana DeGarmo 15" during the course of the show, but that ship has sailed, so let's concentrate on constructive advice.

You are America's sweetheart. You are everyone's little sister. You are an apple-cheeked milk-pure farm girl from Oklahoma. You have never been on a "Sin Wagon." You are not "Trouble." You do not "come home a little late at night." Please don't sing worldly, tough songs. You have demonstrated over and over that you can't carry them off.

Sing something sweet and heartbroken. Let your voice be clear and flute-like; let it tremble on the emotional parts. I suspect people will vote for you in droves.

First of all, whoever's been doing your makeup is a genius. Put him or her on a permanent retainer. You are naturally one of the prettiest girls I've ever seen, and that person knows how to magnify your beauty and make you shine like an angel.

Most contestants need to be careful to avoid songs made famous by divas. There's no way they can match the quality of the vocals. But you have taken on Thelma Houston, Chaka Khan, and Dionne Warwick and come out victorious. Keep pushing. When you do your best you are really something to behold.

My only criticism is that sometimes you go into these weird little "oo-hoo" warbles that make you sound like a cheap knockoff of Whitney Houston. You need to cut that out. But please don't tell your brothers I said that.

You have more soul in your little finger than most of the rest of the Top 12 combined. You are the person who needs to follow Fantasia's advice and "get ugly up there." Howl and growl. Show us what you are capable of, like that time when you sang "Whipping Post" and left me stunned and speechless. Nothing would give me more pleasure than seeing you win this thing.

When you're not singing, smile at the girls and continue to be a gentleman. You are living proof that scandals don't stick to nice guys. I am rooting for you.