Idolatry

Tonight's American Idol results show has been postponed until tomorrow, and last night's performances are being replayed for our voting pleasure because human error invalidated last night's votes. What-ever. So I guess I'm going to take this opportunity to express my opinions on the top 11.

(1) Anthony Federov. I hate this little prick. He has a soulless choirboy voice and a prepubescent prettyboy appearance, both of which would be forgivable except that he also has the worst musical taste of all time. His song choices have ranged from Foreigner to George Michael. I wish we could get rid of him ASAP, but I am pretty sure all of America's 10- to 13-year-old girls are voting for him.

(2) Carrie Underwood. She's a squeaky-clean, pretty girl from a farm in Oklahoma. She has a lovely country-style voice. I find her a little bland, and I don't hear any evidence that she knows anything about music history, but I think she has a decent chance of winning.

(3) Scott Savol. When I first saw him, I wondered if he was, y'know, all there. He's a bona fide weirdo and he comes across pretty badly onscreen whenever he's not singing. Looks like Bubba Sparxxx but he has gorgeous soul pipes. I like him. Don't think he'll win, but I could be wrong.

(4) Bo Bice. Stunning. A sexy Southern man with a great, versatile rock 'n' roll voice. He took a big risk by singing Jim Croce this week...zzzzzzz. But I love him all the same. In a perfect world, he would win.

(5) Nikko Smith. Eh. He doesn't make much of an impression on me. He was already eliminated once but got reinstated when Mario left for personal reasons. I suspect he'll leave again soon, but who knows? The judges were complimentary this week, so he could sneak through.

(6) Vonzell Solomon. She has a great disco diva voice, but she occasionally has trouble controlling her pitch. She was great this week and the judges hyped her a lot. I like her pretty well and I hope she doesn't have to go back to being a U.S. Mail carrier.

(7) Constantine Maroulis. Hot! He was looking weak for a while, but he has shown more resilience than anyone expected. This week he rocked the audience with--wait for it--The Partridge Family's "I Think I Love You." It was weird, it was theatrical, it was gutsy, and I think it worked. He isn't the best singer in the group, but he does have the best stage presence. And did I mention he's tasty?

(8) Nadia Turner. She was a favorite of mine until this week, when she did a horrific rendition of "Time After Time" in a ridiculous fauxhawk. She even forgot the words, twice. It was just stupid, and now that I think of it, it's not the first time she's made a bad song choice. She deserves to get cut.

(9) Mikalah Gordon. Have you ever noticed that when people are called "irrepressible," they are usually the people you would like to repress the most? That's how I feel about this overplucked Streisand-loving teenager. I should cut her some slack because she's young and immature, but still she annoys me. Puh-lease, send her home before she says "FABULOUS!" again.

(10) Anwar Robinson. Great singer, questionable style (he seems to think he's Wyclef Jean). He was amateurish and boring this week, but he hit his final "wow" note as usual, and that may pull him through.

(11) Jessica Sierra. She has an excellent voice, but she just doesn't look like a star to me. I gather she barely squeaked by last week. I think it's because she's a little unmemorable. Too bad, because she does have talent.